Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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