I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
