smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
