A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
