All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
