I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
