shes about as inviting as chlamydia
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
