So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
