If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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