Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
