Someone shit on the floor
apparently the secret to your success is patron
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
