Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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