dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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