im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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