we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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