My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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