I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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