Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
