Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
