I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
