i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to make out with him forever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
