every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
