Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just invented taco cereal.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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