I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
