can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
