We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
time to smoke my breakfast
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
