right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
