I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
