Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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