I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
