Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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