I'm so fucking centered right now
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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