Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think my vagina is haunted
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
