I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
