I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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