I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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