I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
