I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
