I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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