Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
