Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
then he tried to convert me to islam
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
