If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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