he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
