I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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