He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
