We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
