I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
