Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
