It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
