I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
