My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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